joshisinfinite:

When I was 12 or so my friends and I decided to go down to my basement and search through all the unmarked boxes that are stored down there. My parents are a bunch of packrats and I was hoping to find some of my toys from when I was younger, like my G.I. Joe action figures. One of my friends came across a box with tons of VHS tapes inside it, some were labeled while others were not. We started to pull some out; Gulf War 1, The Land Before Time, Where The Red Fern Grows (I had been looking for that), XXX…wait, XXX? I was 12 and didn’t know what that meant.

We were curious, we needed to know what XXX was. We snuck up to my bedroom with the tape under my shirt, slid it into my VHS player and pressed play. Snow, static, the audio was a bit warped, the video kicked in, naked people. NAKED PEOPLE. For a 12 year old, this was a shock. We watched in horror, shock, excitement as these people had…SEX. Fade out.

Fade in. A young man who was denied admission to the police academy becomes a private eye. His first assignment comes from a young, blonde, female who wants to know where her older rich husband goes after work. The young private eye, with his shaggy brown hair uncovers the husband’s infidelity. Once he arrives at her house to tell her of his discovery, he becomes shy and runs his fingers through his shaggy hair. They have hot 70s porn sex. Fade out.

My friends and I are speechless. We had never seen porn like this before. When I was younger I had watched soft core porn on the premium channels but I never saw penis, I never saw vagina. This was all so new and terrifying and wonderful and hilarious and we just wanted to keep watching and we kept wondering is this is what real people did when they had sex. Did our parents do things like this? Would we do things like this some day?

Fade in. A woman lies naked, on her stomach, on her bed. Her butt is facing the camera. Nothing is happening but we stare, intently, hoping that we will see something that we have never seen before, something that will change our lives, cure hunger and AIDS and cancer, something that will bring the world peace. The future of the world rested on this segment, our future, our lives, our happiness was wrapped up in fifteen minutes of porn. Nothing happened. Our eyes moved around the screen, taking in the set. The beige walls, the floral comforter of the bed, the woman’s socks, the family portrait…the family portrait?

Pause.

Did I just see my face in that family portrait? Was that not my non-Jew Jewfro? It couldn’t be me, it had to be someone else, this was a mistake, someone was playing a game on me. This was not real. Someone pressed play. A hand enters the scene and slaps the ass. I searched, wild-eyed, for clues. This couldn’t be real, I refused to believe it.

Voices…voices…familiar voices, names, familiar names. Oh God, Jesus, fuck. My parents.

omgosh.  If you didn’t start masturbating soon after this or by your 14th birthday, then you might be officially an oddity.  no … no oddity.